I Knew Enough to Know I Knew Nothing
On silencing myself and then finding my voice again.
The last time I wrote a blog (I know we're calling these newsletters now, but whatever), I was a high school dropout. Back then, I had the infuriating confidence only an ignorant person can have. I knew so little that I thought I knew everything. And I didn’t hesitate to spout my thoughts and opinions all over my blog for god and creation to read. It amazes me how confident I was in my bullshit.
I eventually went to college. The more I learned about our complicated world, the more I understood the depth of my own ignorance, and I snatched that blog right off the internet so fast. Not only was it riddled with grammatical errors, it was melodramatic and often factually incorrect. When someone tells me they read that blog, I will my body to pull an Alex Mack: turn to liquid and slide into the nearest gutter.
To this day, the more I learn, the more certain I am that I don’t know shit. The downside to that is the more aware I am of my ignorance, the more difficult it is to speak. In other words, the smarter I get, the quieter I become, and the harder it is to write.
It sucks. And it has resulted in (sometimes years of) writer’s block. It leaves me feeling paralyzed—silenced, really—because I don’t think I’m smart enough to have a voice. I assume this stems from the shame I carried from being a high school dropout. It was a secret I kept for a long time, something I only started to own after getting an MFA. At that point, I figured, who gives a fuck about high school—I was a master! But that feeling of not being allowed to have a voice lingered.
I still don’t fully trust myself to know enough to be allowed to speak. I’m afraid of hurting someone, of being judged, of being disliked. I’m afraid of being exposed as a fraud (imposter syndrome much?). Admitting all of this makes me cringe, but it’s true. And because I feel this way, it has been a long time since I’ve published writing that hasn’t been looked at and approved by an editor or agent.
So. What I’m saying is that the words you’re reading right now (totally unedited and written in that sliver of time between the toddler’s bedtime and my own) are an attempt to be more vulnerable. And to trust (and love) myself enough to use my voice. And to, hopefully, connect with you—readers, fellow humans, whoever is listening—on a deeper level than I’ve allowed in a really long time. I’m going to continue practicing doing that in this space.
Book Updates
Because this is the first newsletter and some of you might not know anything about my book, I’ll start fresh.
In February 2020, my proposal for Alive Day went on submission. A week or so later, there was a 15-editor auction, and it sold for a lot of money to The Dial Press. A dream. More than a dream. It was beyond anything I could have dreamt up on my own. Production companies were even calling about turning it into a movie or series. Big production companies. Like, wtf huge ones.
Anyway. Guess what happened next?
Yep. The fucking pandemic.
Things slowed down. And then, I got pregnant. And then, I had a baby and had postpartum depression for two years. I stopped writing during that time. I thought I’d ruined my career. Luckily, I have a dream team. My editor changed my contract so that my book’s due date was pushed back two years. Now, it’s due in March 2024.
Okay, you’re caught up. I just finished a second round of edits with my editor. I’ve sent the manuscript out to a number of beta readers who are absolute angels. Feedback from them is trickling in, and I am not kidding when I say it has made me cry more than once.
Here are a few highlights from them:
Like, I 10/10 recommend using beta readers. The above comments were just initial reactions, but they also gave me really helpful critiques that have improved my manuscript immensely. I think it’s funny now that I questioned doing this. I’ll use beta readers for any book I ever write.
Now, I’m just waiting for my editor to get back to me about the latest draft. I’m hoping to get a release date soon, too. Fingers crossed. I’ll keep you posted.
A Thing I Love Right Now
I’d never crocheted before and wanted to learn. The Woobles ads on Instagram got me. The first thing I made was a purple jellyfish, and Woobles made it so easy to learn. It was also really relaxing. I went back and bought five more. No, they are not paying me to say this. I just really like them.
